The Ottumwa Courier

August 30, 2013

From Disney to debauchery

Courier sportswriter

---- — That’s the last time I go to a Hannah Montana concert. Actually, I just saw the highlights of the MTV Video Music Awards. Shocking! But that’s what they wanted, isn’t it? Shock. Shock. Tweet. Tweet.

If you’ve missed replays or reviews, former Disney child star Miley Cyrus “shocked” the entertainment world with her raunchy, obscene, nearly-naked performance at the MTV awards show with a sex-charged song, “in a flesh-colored two piece, twerking and grinding all up on” grown man, R&B singer Robin Thicke.

Twerking? What? As it turns out, twerking is a dance about gyrating your booty at high speeds. I thought it had to do with turning a stubborn lock with your keys. But, nevertheless … she was twerking right there in front of Walt Disney up in heaven … sorry Walt … and everyone.

Shock. Tweet. Shock. Tweet.

She also had a multitude of dancers with teddy bears strapped to their backs jumping around her as she wagged her tongue out and slapped a woman’s behind. Sounds reasonable. Cyrus also “ran a foam finger along her private parts with major pelvic thrusts.” Oh, poor Walt. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Reviews and backlash haven’t been pleasant for the former Hannah Montana, including one saying, “That was a cheerleading squad for hookers” and another saying, “Way to raunch it up, Miley.”

Holy smokes! This was the same girl who was the Disney poster child on the Disney Channel?

I wouldn’t have known anything about this until my co-worker Tracy exclaimed to me, “Did you see Miley Cyrus on the MTV Awards?”

“Well no, actually,” I replied. That’s usually how I respond to really bizarre questions.

Then Tracy started pulling up Associated Press photos of Miley ... I guess ... performing. Now I’m for sexy-dressed women as much the next guy, but this is just getting weird. Is this a music awards show or a stripper convention?

Tracy clicked through the photos and each woman entertainer seemed to be more scantily clad  than the last. Lady Gaga basically had nothing on, and click, click, click … the suggestive picture parade continued. It was clear — this was a stripper contest by entertainers who happen to sing.

Meanwhile, Tracy pointed out, all of the men were dressed in suits. And the theme is … I have no idea.

Cyrus later bragged she had more twitter mentions than any other entertainer, even more than the Super Bowl blackout. That’s what it’s all about, Miley. Who cares what you do — how low you have to go. If you can shock people and win the Twitter war, it’s called “winning!” That’s my motto, too.

Don’t you people know anything about entertainment? Do I have to go over this again! Geez. You shock and you tweet. You shock and you tweet! Then you twerk.

You see, if you can combine shocking and tweeting, it’s money in the music business! Shocktweet. Shocktweet. I just came up with a new word. I think I’m going to patent it.

Why doesn’t the music industry just go out and get some strippers and teach them how to sing or lip sync instead of the other way around. Might be a simpler process. Just a thought.

By the way, I was unaware MTV still played music. Do they even have music videos anymore? Now it’s just weird reality TV shows, like Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom with checkups with Dr. Drew, The Hills and Snooki and Jwoww. These shows make me think this country is in good hands. Oh yeah!

This all wouldn’t be so shocking if Miley and the previous Disney entertainers weren’t trying so hard to “shock” us. Miley comes from a long line of Disney child stars, including Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera (remember their infamous kiss at the VMAs with Madonna?), as well as Lindsay Lohan, turning raunchy as they entered their young adult careers.

You know, we used to have a saying about girls who portrayed themselves like this in high school: Let’s date ’em!

But it is disturbing that it continues to be such a trend. Just what kind of Mickey Mouse network are they running over there? I thought the Disney Channel was a safe, comforting place you could sit your kid in front of the TV while you prepared something to eat in the kitchen. Turns out the Disney Channel is a temporary stop for Madonna-wannabes. You can’t take anything for granted these days. Keep your guard up!

Lately, I just haven’t been able to sleep much. It’s just everything going on in the world. First you’ve got Miley all mixed up. Then there’s Justin Bieber. Leave it to Bieber. What’s up with the Bieber anyway? He’s been acting out lately.

The Bieber arrived super late at his Des Moines concert, like he has for the 15th concert in a row, and the crowd booed him. My co-worker Tracy was telling me she knows an Ottumwa girl who went to the concert. The girl said, “Yeah, a lot people were booing him, but I didn’t boo.” Ahh, Bieber. You see, you’ve still got fans in your corner!

I remember during a previous election, the Bieber was doing public service announcements to go out and vote. That means a lot coming from someone who A.) is too young to vote and B.) is from Canada. But, nevertheless, I did vote. Thank you Justin. You inspired me.

But I know Miley has a stronger family structure than the Bieber. Her dad is Billy Ray. Yes, that Billy Ray — the Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray. Her TV mom in a few episodes of “Hannah Montana” on the Disney Channel was Brooke Shields, who said on the Today Show, “I was Hannah Montana’s mom! Where did I go wrong?”

What would Walt Disney think about this “Happiest Place on Earth” to debauchery transformation?  You would think Disney could work something out in the contract.  

Disney, paying out millions to these developing divas, could stipulate, “Alright, you’re getting millions, we’re setting you up for life, but … you need to read the fine print where it says you may not shed clothing while singing your songs for the next five years. You see, we’ve got a family brand name here, and we don’t want you on the cover of Maxim Magazine in your underwear three weeks after your Disney Network contract is up. Comprendre? Now, just sign by Walt’s name! I said just sign it!”

Parent Television Council Director of Public Policy Dan Isett said, “MTV continues to sexually exploit young women by promoting acts that incorporate ‘twerking’ in a nude-colored bikini. How is this image of former child star Miley Cyrus appropriate for 14-year-olds?”

I don’t think MTV or the Disney divas are listening.

The Parent Television Council just doesn’t understand entertainment today. Don’t they understand, you shock and you tweet. You shock and you tweet. And then you twerk. It’s entertainment in 2013.