If anyone can avoid the H1N1 influenza virus, it should be me. I’m keeping my fingers out of my mouth. I’m asking people to stop coughing in my face. And I’ve started washing my hands before I eat.

I’m using all the tips the nurses gave me as I wrote H1N1 articles for the paper. I’ve learned a lot.

One way I do not want to learn about the virus is by catching it. That’s why I was terrified Saturday night when I started feeling sick. Despite my best efforts (and a 75 gallon drum of hand sanitizer), had H1N1 had found me?

I had a temp of 99.9 on one thermometer, then 99.7 on another. And nose blowing. A lot of sneezing. A splitting headache.

Wait. For it to be H1N1, wasn’t I supposed to have a cough? Amazingly, the moment the thought entered my mind, I began hacking.

I tried to stay calm. It didn’t seem like “A Cough,” just coughing, which I think is OK. I don’t remember. And now, in the midst of the epidemic, all my contacts in the world of health are too busy to talk to me.

The next day, my head was still pounding and my nose clogged up, but I was at 98.6 degrees (normal). Later that evening, it was 99.6. Then normal again. It was just a cold. Or a broken thermometer. Or a broken thermometer and a cold. But that’s not important. What is important to me is I have stayed one step ahead of the H1N1 virus. That’s right; I’ve outsmarted an epidemic.

I avoid crowds, or, if required to be amongst a crowd, avoid breathing too much.

If I touch a surface someone else may have touched, I try not to stick my fingers up my nose without first washing my hands.

And though I get nasty looks, I shout at people when I see them coughing or sneezing incorrectly.

“Into your arm, not your hands!”

(By the way, I recommend against looking at your sleeve immediately after sneezing into it... Which reminds me, there’s an excellent opportunity during this outbreak for marketing a shirt with disposable sleeves.)

Public health officials have told me not to worry so much; H1N1 has proven no more dangerous to most people than a cold or seasonal flu bug. Really, then why is it in the newspaper so much? I’ll admit it. I’m a little scared.

Yet, I am winning. I’m sneezing, guzzling NyQuil and clutching my pounding head, but I’m winning because I don’t have the fever combined with respiratory complaint required for it to be H1N1.

I’ve never been so glad to have a cold.