To the person whom, until recently, had been illegally entering my personal residence: Thank you for returning my stolen house key. The other belongings you have stolen from me, too many to even mention, I shall never hope to see again, some of which were priceless to me. Though I can’t imagine why you would even want them as they are sure to be meaningless to you.
During the past several years you have persisted in being vigilant of my absences from my home so that you could carry out your petty thievery, childish pranks and compulsive nosiness.
I knew not it was you doing these things until the afternoon I caught you attempting to gain entry while it was believed by most that I was still out of state.
I must say that the look of shock you gave me when I opened the door was priceless!
I can recall the many times that you boasted about being a “grifter,” bragged about stealing from local merchants and presenting as gifts stolen memorabilia from expensive hotels.
I realize after all the time I’ve known you what a charlatan, fraud and poseur you really are. I do not wish you Godspeed in your future endeavors, but I will pray for your lost and condemned soul if and when I think on you again.
You know who you are!