The Ottumwa Courier

Ottumwa

December 31, 2012

Let's make some realistic resolutions

OTTUMWA — Resolutions rarely work.

People make the same promises every year. I’ll work out more. I’ll eat better. I’ll spend more time with family and friends.

Let’s give ourselves a fighting chance. Let’s make some realistic resolutions this time around. Here are my 10 resolutions for 2013:

• Have a Quentin Tarantino movie marathon. Pulp Fiction? In Love. Inglorious Basterds? On repeat. Django Unchained? Obsessed.

• Expand my repertoire of impersonations. I have Tom Brokaw, Cartman from South Park and Mary Katherine Gallagher down pat. Who’s next? Michelle Obama? I’m going to need to work on my arms.

• Hone my slow-cooker skills. My mom got me a slow-cooker cookbook for Christmas, and I am determined to successfully complete every one of those recipes. It’s going to be all types of “Julie & Julia” in my kitchen.

• Perfect the A.C. Slater dance. Gangnam Style, Dougie and The Carlton -- no problem. Now, Mario Lopez, it’s dance battle time.

• Go one day without giving myself whiplash while shifting gears in my little car, dubbed “Putt Putt.” I’ve had that silver devil for nearly two years, and while I’ve come a long way from stalling in high-speed Kansas City traffic and sobbing every time I see a steep hill, I still have my days.

• Puppies. That’s it. Just give me a big basket of puppies.

• Keep up with best-selling books more. Keep up with the Kardashians less.

• Buy a full-length mirror and give myself a once-over before leaving for work. I showed up at one event this year with a huge wad of price tags and stickers unbeknownst to me on the back of my shirt. Needless to say, I was the image of professionalism that day.

• Start watching all of the movies and TV shows in my Netflix queue. Despite putting “Mad Men,” “The Artist” and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” in there, I return time after time to my favorite episodes of “The Office.” Dear coworkers, watch where you keep your office supplies. Someday they might end up in Jell-O.

• Finally, I think it’s time to part with my fear of the dark. Ever since a particularly frightening episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” when I was little (obviously the answer was “Yes”), the nooks and crannies in my bedroom and the popping sound of my steam heat turning on in the winter make me nearly jump out of my skin every night.

What are your new year’s resolutions? If you make them, make them attainable. If you don’t, just keep on keeping on.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

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