By JAMES GROB, Courier sports editor
July 17, 2008 11:21 am
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Hey Brett! Head on over to Minnesota! The folks there might be a little bit suspicious of you at first, but once you shred a few defenses the way you used to tear up the Purple People Eaters, they’ll be glad to have you.
Just don’t try the lutefisk. And watch out for the mosquitos.
To a southern Mississippi boy like yourself, there really isn’t that much difference between the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin. The brats are pretty much the same, but the homemade kraut is better in Minnesota. The deer hunting in Minnesota is almost as good. The fishing is actually better — especially if you know how to deep-fry beer-battered walleye filets. I’ll send you a copy of my grandma’s old tarter sauce recipe. There aren’t enough Es in dee-licious to describe it.
The people talk just as funny, dontcha know?
The winters are just a little bit more cold and nasty in the land of 10,000 lakes — but heck, you’ll be playing in a dome, it shouldn’t be a problem. Think of the snowmobiling opportunities. And the ice-fishing. I think you’ll appreciate the ice-fishing, Mr. Favre.
Nope. I can’t think of one good reason you shouldn’t be playing football in Minnesota this coming season, Brett. How do you look in purple? I hear under bright lights it makes people look thinner than green does.
I know what you’re going through. You said you wanted to hang up your cleats, and you were hoping those Packer people would beg you to stick around. They didn’t. Maybe they just took you for granted. They’re simple folks, those self-proclaimed cheeseheads. They don’t understand what they’ve got. In the time you’ve been at Green Bay, the Vikings have gone through something like 36 different quarterbacks. I’m not positive about that number — I didn’t take the time to look it up — but you get my drift. None of those guys will ever set foot in the Hall of Fame. None of them ever played in a Super Bowl — at least not while they were wearing purple. None of them have a thunderbolt for an arm, like you do, Mr. Three-Time MVP.
How long have you been in Green Bay, Brett? Something like 16 years? Hey, Green Bay is a nice town, I’ve been there. It’s a great place to spend a weekend, and it has a great football atmosphere. But after 16 years, there really can’t be all that much left for you to do there compared to what you can do in the Twin Cities. Heck, you could fit the entire city of Green Bay into the Mall of America and still have room for that indoor roller-coaster.
You’re probably not the type of guy who’s big into the theatre, but maybe the wife is? Tell her the Twin Cities have the best theatre district this side of Broadway. Good art museums, too.
Is nightlife your thing? Music? Dancing? They close the clubs rather early in the Twin Cities, but that’s just because the patrons know it’s so much fun, so they get there plenty early. And most of them have to wake up early the next morning to go duck hunting, anyway, so it all works out.
Announcer John Madden is from Minnesota, he’ll tell you how nice it is there. Prince and Bob Dylan are both from there, too. Hey, I’ll bet they’d collaborate for a concert in your honor.
Do you read much? Authors F. Scott Fitzgerald, Garrison Keillor and Sinclair Lewis were all Minnesotans, as was cartoonist Charles Schultz — you gotta love Snoopy and Charlie Brown.
Home run king Roger Maris was a Minnesota boy. Pro wrestler Jesse Ventura was, too — and they liked him so much they elected him governor. They’d probably make you a senator or put you on the state supreme court — the way they did NFL Hall-of-Famer Alan Page. They don’t take retired athletes for granted up there the way they do in Wisconsin.
And if it’s good-looking women you’re interested in, well Jane Russell, Winona Ryder and Jessica Lange were all originally from Minnesota. All can be described as “easy on the eyes.”
As for football, I’ll remind you that the Vikings could possibly have the best defense in the NFL next season, as well as the best running back and a killer offensive line. Your receivers won’t be flashy, but they aren’t bad. All the Vikings really need is a good veteran quarterback to lead them to the promised land. There’s no reason you can’t be that guy, Brett.
So head on over, Mr. Favre. I know those Vikings fans have cursed you hundreds of times, but they really didn’t mean it. It was only because you almost always found creative ways to kick their team’s butt. I promise they’ll be glad to have you in Minnesota.
There will be a psychological transition to make, but it will happen the moment you throw your first touchdown pass as a Viking. They’ll accept you as one of their own. It just might be a match made in Heaven.
Just please, Brett — whatever you do — please don’t go to Chicago. Please don’t play for the Bears.
Sports editor James Grob can be contacted at sports@ottumwacourier.com.
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