By JAMES GROB, Courier sports editor
August 01, 2008 10:43 am
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Brett Favre is a lot more intelligent than he looks.
I’m not saying that he looks dumb, but the future Hall of Fame quarterback has kind of a rugged, good ol’ boy, “aww shucks” attitude about him, so at first glance he doesn’t seem like a person who splits atoms or operates on people’s brains for a living.
He doesn’t, of course. He plays football. He’s plenty smart enough to be a football player and there’s nothing wrong with that.
But until this week, I didn’t realize how smart the guy was.
I really don’t know what’s going to happen between Favre and the Packers. In the last week, there’s been all kinds of talk about how Favre wants to come out of retirement and maybe play again for his old green-and-gold team at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, or maybe for the Vikings, or the Bears or Buccaneers or Panthers, etc.
The Packers have to decide whether they want to take him back, or release him, or trade him or maybe kidnap him and ship him off to Antarctica where he’ll be forgotten forever. It doesn’t sound like they want him to play for them, but at the same time they don’t want him to play for someone else who might possibly beat them. It’s a slippery situation.
There have been lots of rumors and speculation, and I really don’t know which ones are true and which ones aren’t. At this point, I had decided not to really care all that much about it anymore.
But then one story caught my attention.
According to one published article, the Packers — at one point — offered Favre $20 million to stay retired.
You read that right. Favre’s bosses were going to pay him 20 million buckaroos if he would agree to just sit around and not do his job.
Twenty. Million. Dollars.
How did Favre pull that one off? The guy is a genius.
I’ve heard of farmers getting paid for not growing corn and for not raising hogs. The concept confused me, but I just figured it had something to do with the complicated agriculture economy, which is something I don’t want to understand.
Actually, I think for a while our great nation had agreed to pay that crazy dictator in North Korea large sums of money if he would agree to not blow things up. I don’t know if that was the greatest idea, but hey, I figure if that’s what it took to keep the guy from blowing things up, maybe it was money well spent.
But $20 million for not playing football? Favre is definitely on to something here, and I want in.
I’m taking offers. If there are any newspapers out there who will pay me to not work for them, I won’t. I don’t even need $20 million. I will gladly not work for $1 million. Of course, if someone wants to pay me $2 million, I will gladly not work twice as hard.
Of course, I’ll need to get paid mileage for the high-priced gasoline I won’t be using to propel the automobile I won’t be driving to the job I won’t be doing. And it would be nice to get paid for the meals I won’t be eating on the lunch break I won’t be taking, but we can not work those details out when I agree to not accept the job you will be offering me to not do.
I won’t limit this enterprise to print journalism. I’ve got some broadcast media credits, and there’s big money in television and radio, so if there are any TV or radio stations out there who don’t want me to work for them, for $1 million, I won’t work for them, and I’ll be happy to not work for them. If you own a big network, you’ll have to pay me a little more. I won’t work for ABC, CBS, NBC or FOX for $2 million. I certainly won’t work for ESPN for $3 million.
Law firms? For $3 million, I will proudly not practice law. I will not file any lawsuits or argue any cases. For just an extra $500,000, I will not appeal a case all the way to the Supreme Court.
If you own a car dealership, I will not sell cars for $1 million. I won’t repair them, paint them, wash them or help to finance them in any way, and I’ll promise to not do it to the best of my ability.
I will proudly accept $1 million to not be an airline pilot. I won’t fly jumbo jets, biplanes or helicopters. I’ll even not fly rockets or space shuttles. If you deposit the money directly into my bank account, I will not ask patrons to buckle their seat belts. I won’t even demand to not be called “captain.” I’ll be content just not being a pilot.
For $1 million, I won’t teach school. I won’t teach math, English, social studies or PE. I won’t teach computer science, advanced composition, biology or speech. I most certainly will not monitor a detention hall or purchase extra classroom supplies out of my own pocket. For a little extra, I won’t take a personal interest in improving the academic lives of the students who I won’t be teaching. I won’t be available for extra help after class and I won’t meet with the parents of the students who I won’t teach to discuss the progress they won’t be making in the class I won’t be teaching.
For the right amount of money, I won’t work for the police or fire department. I won’t sweep floors or pick strawberries. I won’t mow lawns or slice meat. I will not clean swimming pools. I will refuse to pave roads, sell insurance, wait tables, pump gas or figure taxes.
Just send me the check. If the price is right, I won’t do anything.
Sports editor James Grob can be contacted at sports@ottumwacourier.com.
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