By Steve Woodhouse
KNOXVILLE JOURNAL EXPRESS (KNOXVILLE, Iowa)
KNOXVILLE, Iowa
Tue, May 13 2008
—
Okay, there’s another problem facing this nation that I feel I need to address this week. There are various degrees of it and I’m sure there are people with various opinions regarding it; this is simply my opinion. I am talking about public displays of affection, or PDA.
Late one night last weekend, my wife Marcy and I wanted to go out. We chose to go to Perkins in Newton.
As we were sitting there, talking and enjoying some pie, another couple came and sat in the booth behind me. First of all, let me describe these booths. The one I was in was like many others with the classic upside-down “T” shape. There was little between myself and this other couple besides a couple layers of foam.
I was in a good mood. The waiter gave me an extra piece of pie because it did not have the French silk on top, so it could not be sold.
My joy turned to horror with these slurping sounds. It’s hard to give a good description of the slurping, other than to say there was obviously some saliva exchange going on.
Right behind my head.
I’m very familiar with the sounds, though I choose not to take my emotional actions to that degree in public. I figured I’d hear it once and I could go back to my pie. I love pie, but there is no better way to ruin it than to have a couple of hormonal people behind you, swapping spit inches from your ear.
It didn’t stop there. The girl was whispering stuff into her man’s ear. Unfortunately, it reached my ears, loud and clear. I really didn’t need to hear that.
While all this was going on, I didn’t know what to do. I just cocked my head to the side and got this really worried look on my face.
Were they going to climb over the seat? Would I have to make a run for it? These are the kinds of questions running through my mind.
Marcy, of course, is getting a big kick out of the whole thing. She loves to see me get nervous, at least in cases like that.
I leaned forward and asked, “Are you ready to go?”
She replied, “I’m savoring my chocolate.”
My wife can be very cold, dude. Especially when she’s entertained and I’m in no real danger, just extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable.
She didn’t torture me too much and soon we were off. As soon as we were out the door, I said to her, “Oh my God, what is wrong with those people?”
She, of course, laughed hysterically.
At one point, they did order and I heard the girl ask for an omelet with onions and peppers. If only she had eaten those BEFORE coming to Perkins to maul her man, it might not have happened and I could have enjoyed my pie in peace.
The world has an odd way of illustrating its points sometimes. In the past, I have tried to hug and give my wife a quick peck on the cheeks or lips in the store. She has always said, “PDA!” and stopped me, though I never came CLOSE to the degree of filth these people did.
Nevertheless, I learned my lesson. I’m barely going to acknowledge my wife when we’re out in public anymore.
Do you want to hold hands?
I don’t think so; PDA.
How about a kiss before we split up in the mall?
We’re too close to the food court.
How about walking arm-in-arm?
I don’t know, I’d still be touching you, it might gross someone out.
That’s all this experience was; GROSS. Nobody wants to see or hear you and your significant other do that stuff. If they do, let them view it IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME.
Do the world a favor. Keep the PDA to a minimum and let a man enjoy his pie.
Take care of yourself and thank you for reading.
Steve Woodhouse writes for the Knoxville (Iowa) Journal Express.
Copyright © 1999-2008 cnhi, inc.