By Dan Ehl
DAILY IOWEGIAN (AND AD EXPRESS) (CENTERVILLE, Iowa)
CENTERVILLE, Iowa
Tue, May 13 2008
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There has been a lot of debate lately about the role of government in economic development. This includes the creation of “quality of life” resources to keep younger Iowans from moving outside the state.
Case in point is the state’s role in building the Honey Creek Resort State Park on Rathbun Lake. Such a huge project demands the resources of government or very wealthy private developers.
Having some socialist leanings, I still believe in the little guys being able to fulfill their own dreams. With the financial means needed to finance these super resorts far beyond Joe Average Guy, I suggest the creation of attractions more befitting our resources - “garage sale parks” - so called because of their more humble (cheap) aspirations.
Such a facility could feature a miniature golf course, rides on ponies that go in circles, a marina designed for foot-powered paddle boats, the world’s largest plastic pink flamingo, an archery range for arrows tipped with rubber suction cups, an international bowling museum and a Kat Mart specializing in those sequined cat clocks with tails and eyes that dart back and forth.
It would also have 1950s-style bed and breakfast - pink mobile homes featuring TV dinners and professional wrestling on a big screen television. The decor would include those 1960s’-style paintings of little kids and cats with giant eyes and plastic wall hangings made to look like massive iron candle holders fit for any castle torture chamber.
Each trailer could have a different motif. I can see one with those western sofas that have wagon wheels for arms, ash trays that look like horse shoes and table lamps made from skeletized cactus.
There could be a hobby center as one of the attractions, which would feature classes on how to turn old TVs into display cabinets for porcelain Elvis whiskey bottle collections, basic maintenance on windmill lawn ornaments or photography classes on how to put giant ears of corn on hay wagons like they do for those postcards.
Cooking classes could cover such topics as “A Spam for All Seasonings.” I’m sure a favorite holiday centerpiece would be a spam turkey pressed from a large turkey mold and stuffed with White Cheddar Cheetos Puffs.
I would like to see a woodcraft course on making those plywood cutouts of old farm wives bent over weeding. The more advanced classes would include the farmer, also bent over, and with his hand covering the rearside of the wife.
And to counter claims of the resort being too low-budget, we could also have an art center that could feature traveling exhibits such as collections of velvet Elvis paintings.
Music appreciation classes could feature programs like, “The People Behind the Myth — The Tony Orlando and Dawn Story,” or “The Lyrics of Box Car Willie — Origins in the Sacred Verses of the Bhagavad Gita?”
Panel discussions would feature such topics as, “Leisure Suits — High Fashion or Crime Against Humanity.”
I know I’d be interested in the beer tasting class, “Beer — Barley, Brewing, Bubbles and Burps.”
Weekends could feature special events like Classic Lawn Mower Saturday where members of the American Association of Classic Rider Lawn Mowers could strut their stuff. Maybe we could even get a bunch of Shriners to perform their synchronized rider mower parading on their souped-up Snappers.
“Yeah, I got me a bored out 3.2 Clinton Engine on a Deere body with a Briggs and Stratton trannie,” I can hear someone boast in the Custom competition. “Jacked ’er up in back with some Yardman ball bearing wheels and put on Murray pipes, a Cub Cadet carb and a Toro ignition.”
Saturday nights could be reserved for demolition lawn mower derbies. Tough man competition would feature lawn mower riders whipping weedeaters at each other.
Through the week at the activity center, there would be pastimes like Tupperware coffin parties or butt dart tournaments.
And there would be shuttle buses taking park visitors to county festivals like the July 4 fire works at PJ’s or pool tournaments at the Eagles Club on the Levee. Stops could be made for connoisseurs of fine dining where they’d be treated to such local delicacies as breaded tenderloins at the Coal Miners Inn at Mystic.
We can’t forget reservoir activities where tourists could enjoy water events like international belly flop competitions, inner tube regalias, milk jug racing or snorkeling for discarded auto parts.
The list goes on and on. I say it’s an idea past its time and we ought to jump on it.
Dan Ehl writes for the Daily Iowegian in Centerville, Iowa.
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Dan Ehl